In retrospect | circa '96 | Tokyo, Japan

Tokyo, Japan - 1996

My sister and I pulled up the shade from our window to see if it was finally daylight but it was pitch black out. We weren't sleeping or even close to tired. We were too excited.

My Korean grandmother lived in Tokyo, Japan. My mom took us to visit her and my uncle and later scheduled to visit Seoul, Korea to meet my grandfather.

I remember my grandmother's studio apartment. It was small. Very small. 

She had a bunk bed and an extremely deep bathtub. We took a bath every night. We snacked on peaches the entire trip.. me especially. I ate too many.

She owned a Korean BBQ restaurant in Tokyo. I remember the kitchen looking like something out of a Hayao Miyazaki movie. There were sliding walls that led you to different rooms. Naturally my sister and I spent most of our time hiding in the rooms and spying on the guests dining in to eat. One of the regulars at my grandmother's restaurant was the mayor of Kawaguchi. We were invited to his house for dinner where we sat on the floor while his servants waited on us hand and foot. Again, more sliding walls and doors.

We met my uncle for the first time. He was smiling ear-to-ear the entire time and took us shopping for toys in a skyscraper toy store. He let us buy whatever we wanted. I picked out a dollhouse and my sister got a toy fox. 

We ate burgers where the female employees had the same haircut, outfit and hats and all said the same thing at the exact same time.

We went to Disney Land.

We did it all.

On our last night in Tokyo, we all gathered at my grandmother's restaurant. As my uncle helped close up, my grandmother and I waited outside for everyone. She had a bicycle with a little basket sitting in between the handle bars. She told me to get in and we could ride around the street while we wait for everyone to come out.

We approached a hill and both decided it'd be fun to go down. And all I remember is being really scared of how fast we were going. We were flying. Eventually, my grandmother lost control of the bike, we crashed and basically smashed into the ground. I flew out of the basket and landed straight on my head and slid. The spokes of the bike took my grandmother and her face right across the street. 

I laughed. I cried. I laughed again. I fainted. I woke up. I fell over. I fell asleep.

I remember sitting in the bottom bunk of my grandmother's bed and throwing up nothing but peaches. So many peaches..

I was completely out of my mind.

We went to the hospital. Naturally.

I kicked the nurses and screamed out of confusion. I remember seeing my grandmother crying and reaching for me from her hospital bed. More peach vomit.

 Needless to say.. we were in bad shape.

My grandmother received plastic surgery on her face and she healed quite beautifully.

How I survived brain damage is beyond me...

Or did I?

After a few days, I remember escaping the hospital early. A Japanese family-friend scooped me up and out of my bed and carried me down several flights of stairs where a car was waiting for us outside. My family was inside. We flew back to the U.S.

I had a soft spot on the left side of my head for months. My memory of Japan and honestly my childhood is a seriously fuzzy mess. Add years of discovering ecstasy and cocaine on top of it and you have yourself a perfect cocktail of a horrible memory altogether. 

No, we did not make it to Seoul. I kind of messed that up. The last time I was in Seoul, I was a newborn and I'd give anything to go back.

As for my grandfather.. He died years later. We never got a chance to meet him. So there's that.

There is no moral to this story. It's just a story. I try to learn as much as I can now, make new and happy memories and hold on to them as long as I can. 

I eventually learned to love peaches again. I am a Georgia girl after all.

Yep. Happy hump day!

-BALANCE-

I'm starting to feel a sense of balance in my life.  My days are becoming easier. 

Sometimes I feel the need to constantly dissect my life and ascertain the reasons for daily stress.
Not necessarily a bad thing, right? 

But nothing is perfect, nor will it ever be. So trying to perfect one area of my life while ignoring the rest is a strenuous exercise.

For me, living this way is tiresome.  

Like all things worthy, patience is key and balance is a beautiful thing.

2.9.15

It started with being extremely stressed out working at the butcher shop. I moved to the Bay Area and immediately starting working. It was a stressful time in my life where the balance of work, my life, family and peace of mind was all out of whack. I worked over 60 hours a week in a city I knew nothing about. My commute was two hours everyday in the worst traffic imaginable. I would get to work at 7:30am to open the butcher shop. We broke down cuts for the meat case and I made as much sausage and pate as time allowed. We were understaffed so I also ran food, bussed tables, took food orders and put away produce orders. We closed at 6pm where I would close down the butcher shop and then go help the kitchen close down. I worked in the kitchen too. I'd get home at 9pm, my fiance would be asleep and I'd sit on my kitchen counter and drink wine alone. Our furniture and everything we owned didn't arrive until March and we lived with an air mattress and iPad.

Some time in February, I had a day off alone and bought a $4 yoga mat while running some errands. I did a yoga routine from Hulu on my iPad in my bare living room. 

It made me feel invincible. 

The sound of my breath humming in the back of my throat was surprisingly comforting.
Stretching my aching muscles felt so sensual.

Every morning while driving to the butcher shop I'd start to tense up. The closer I got to the shop, the more stressed I became. I'd run through every scenario in my head of what I might face when I'd get there and how I'd deal with it. My chef was an arrogant and inappropriate asshole and it took everything in me to fake a smile. 

One morning traffic was particularly horrible and I was at a dead stop in the road. We weren't moving an inch. I turned off the radio and began to breathe like I did in yoga. I did it every morning to calm my nerves before work. Long story short, I quit that job.

3.9.15

I'm jobless.

My fiance couldn't have been more supportive. He believed in me and my decisions. He let me figure it out for two weeks and worked overtime to make up for the income lost.

I'm doing yoga every morning and writing every establishment under the California sun, looking for a job. I get a call from a law firm for an interview. I go in and get a job as a legal receptionist.

By this time, I am happy with the decision I made. I'm well-rested and feel healthy. I take a job that is the complete opposite of what I'm used to. 

3.18.15

I'm completely secluded from the world. I'm working in an office with no windows.
I'd say it's a vintage office.
It's old looking and smells like it. No one is under the age of 40. I have a Windows 7 Pro computer and a telephone to connect calls to attorneys and their secretaries..

But I go in with an open mind and positive attitude. Maybe I can learn to become a paralegal. Maybe I will work my way up. Maybe something will become of this.

4.23.15

I get called into my bosses office and he tells me I'm doing a great job. He tells me maybe I could work more hours and start working on some projects. He says maybe I can. Right now, business is slow but it could pick up. 

I walk out of his office happy to hear I'm doing good, but concerned that the longevity here isn't attainable. 

Out of curiosity, I start looking for another job online. I come across an ad on Craigslist for a Personal Assistant. 

Personal assistant must have a culinary degree, 
enjoy living a healthy lifestyle, experienced assistant and love dogs.

I have a culinary degree. I love fitness. I love dogs. I have three!

A fire was lit inside me. In my heart. In my soul. I felt like this ad was reaching out to me.

This is me!

I wrote an exciting cover letter and was so thankful to be able to put down Receptionist as my current job. Yeah, I worked as an assistant for barely over a month but who cares! It's on there... And my reason for leaving is because I am looking for a career with longevity. 

Am I going to retire as a personal assistant? Probably not.

But working as an assistant to a CEO of a successful company in San Francisco will look pretty damn good on my resume. 

The woman that interviewed me was his assistant a year ago and worked her way up through the company, learning the in and outs and is now head of HR. Hence, why he needs a new assistant.

Maybe to some people, jumping from job to job doesn't look so great. May I tell you? This is not like me at all. I don't normally do this. But sometimes you have to take a step back and reflect on what the hell it is you're doing with yourself. Your life. Your career. And thankfully I had the love and support from my fiance to be able to do so.

Experiences, pain, suffering, victories, successes and failures
are all building blocks to the next best you.
A better you.

I'm feeling the balance that I've been searching for. I feel the weight being evenly distributed throughout my mind, body and life.

I start in a few weeks and couldn't be more excited.
Here's to a better me.


Cheers.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

What does that mean to you?

Is it something within reach or is it something that seems impossible to have?

Are you currently working towards it right now? Everyday, you're waking up, living it and every move you make is thought out with your dream job in mind? Is it a dream job?

In order to make it in this world you have to work, right?

Unless you're a trust fund kid or somehow your looks alone keep getting you from point A to point B.

What if you don't quite know what your dream job is yet? You thought you did but then life happens and obstacles stand in your way. Which way do you turn? Do you keep fighting off everyday demons in order to keep going down that same path?

Or do you decide to stop and turn down a different direction and see if that road is easier or makes more sense to take?

Sometimes you think you have it all figured out until one day you realize it just doesn't make sense anymore. You've been doing the same thing for so long that you thought it was who you were. And then one day you realize it's just all you've ever known.

In the past, I felt like I needed to know coming out of high school (aka dropping out of high school and getting my GED), what I wanted to do and go for it. A lot of young people do. At first I tried to get into culinary school on my own and realized I couldn't afford it. I didn't really have the guidance and knowledge of loans or grants at the time. I moved out of my parents house at 17 and thought I knew it all. 

My dad was a contractor and my mom was a realtor so I paid for real estate schooling. I got all the way through my state exam and then I pulled out. The dues and costs of an office scared me and I knew it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

Then I finally got my dad to go with me to culinary school and we took out loans that were too big and I received a few grants and graduated culinary school. 

I am glad I went to culinary school because I learned a lot and had a lot of fun but the amount of debt I have from those loans will be with me for the rest of my life.

I worked my way up through some successful restaurants throughout Atlanta. 

Living in Atlanta and Decatur, that worked for me. My fiance worked as a bartender and we worked and lived the industry life. At that time in our lives, it made sense.

Atlanta and Decatur's food scene is worth checking out if you ever get the chance.
Hands down amazing.

Moving to California was a decision we made together. The main reason we moved is because we simply love California. It's breathtaking here. Other than the very unfortunate drought that we're in, it is perfect weather everyday. 

The life lessons we're learning are very valuable to us. However, you can go out and find opportunities everywhere! It all depends on what exactly you're looking for.

Now that we know we can survive out here, we know we can survive anywhere!

We've learned to budget our money because we absolutely have to but also because we should.

We use mint.com 

It's great. 

We know how much we need to be bringing in to pay all of our bills and still be putting away a good amount into savings. The savings is for our wedding, our honeymoon, future babies, etc.

When we first moved out here, I didn't think we were going to make it. A lot of that is because I can easily lose confidence in myself at the drop of a hat. It's like a sickness. You get super hyped up and proud of yourself. You go out and get something you've really wanted, like a new job or gig. And the moment you get it and all the excitement starts to simmer down, the evil insecurities start to creep in.

Did you just oversell yourself? Do you think you can do all the things you said you can? Are you sure you can pull this off? 

That kind of doubt can eat you alive. It's done it to me so many times.

I just went out and got something I have always wanted. It is basically my dream job.. 

It's too early to talk about right now but I got it. It's mine. The second I got it and the excitement started to go down, I immediately started doubting everything I said I could do. But I know I can do everything I said I can. I do it all the time. It's my life. 

Being confident and open to the world keeps me going. I have to keep going.

Someone asked me the other day where I see myself in ten years.

How can one possibly answer that? One, it's impossible. And two, I don't want to put ONE idea in my head of what I am going to be doing in ten years. 

All I know is that if I keep going, keep pushing and striving to be the best to myself and my loved ones and never lose that confidence that is going to give me every opportunity in the world, in ten years I will be exactly where I want to be.

How I do a supported headstand

I decided to stick to one glass of wine last night instead of three. Sometimes when I'm cooking I don't even realize how many glasses I pour. I don't get drunk. I just enjoy the taste of red wine. It has always gone hand-in-hand with cooking in my kitchen. It's romantic to me. 

Bare feet. Sometimes wearing a little apron. Chopping some onions for beef bourguignon. Drinking red wine. Listening to Jackie Gleason or Regina Spektor. The aroma of garlic and fresh herbs.
C'mon. It's just romantic.

Waking up this morning felt effortless. It's becoming easier to wake up earlier than I actually have to and becoming very rewarding. Having the extra time in the morning to do yoga, shower, get ready for work, eat breakfast, do the dishes, play with the dogs, water the plants and FaceTime with my sister means when I get home from work I can walk into a clean home and simply go from there.

More yoga? Maybe. Play with my dogs? Yes. Cook dinner? No problem.

I periodically go on YogaJournal.com and read articles about how to better improve my form. It's all helpful and encouraging but most importantly, it's all about how you practice as an individual. 

I found an extremely helpful video on inversions that got me excited to try this morning. I've been building strength in my shoulders and arms for handstands mainly by working on my crane pose and  supported headstands.

After two months of practice, today I did a headstand. What I think got me there was realizing I could do a tripod egg pose without any support. After following this video I found new and easier ways to get me there.

Start in tripod dolphin (where your legs are straight down, like downward dog) and bring one knee at a time onto your forearms.

It took me a handful of tries but I finally got myself up. This made my day.

Breathe. Concentrate. Use your abdominal.

I then tried the other inversion, a supported headstand (salamba sirsanana)

This was much harder. Thankfully I rocked back and forth between the wall and the couch for support (I didn't plan that.. so I was thankful it worked out that way).

 It's easy to put all your weight on your head and neck but the key is to use your shoulder strength to hold yourself up and out of that locked position. 

If you don't feel you're there yet, do this against the wall. It took me two months to do this today. Practice makes perfect. 

I finished with a few heart-opening sequences and cut my elbow with my sharp claws that I need to cut. I was sweating and bleeding all over my mat and something about that made the weirdo inside of me feel POWERFUL. I just did a headstand for more than two seconds and it felt good. I am getting stronger.

Being strong is so gratifying. 

I have never envied the frail, hungry-looking woman in the black and white editorial photo. She's smoking a cigarette while looking out the window, slouched over on her over-sized window sill. Her mascara is running like she's been crying. Her effortless look isn't effortless at all.  She looks naive and weak. I've never wanted to look or be like that. 

I envy life, light and passion.

Peanut butter granola bars

The average cost of a protein or granola bar is around $1.25.

The average man likes protein bars. Or my soon-to-be hubby does. He loves them.

There are certain things in every person's life they can't live without.
For me it's quinoa, eggs, coffee and tofu. I just have to always have these things on hand. I crave these things.

For my lover it's protein bars, soda waters, cereal and coffee. He drinks soda waters everyday and loves to snack on protein bars late night. 

When we first moved here and faced the difference of food costs here and food costs in Georgia, I felt discouraged. I became pragmatic about cooking from scratch and felt like I couldn't afford it. So I bought Sabra hummus.. the same batch of hummus that was recalled for listeria and I had sharp stomach pains for over a week. I felt awful.

I bought protein bars and easily spent over $20 that lasted us a week at best. 

This wasn't and isn't practical.

Where did my brain go? Maybe listeria made me stupid. 

I know I've mentioned this before but trying to figure out how to buy groceries and make them last was very challenging at first.
If you live in the Decatur, Georgia area, love your YDFM.

This week has been the very first week where we ate fulfilling meals every night, we still have plenty of groceries for the weekend and have gone to the store once. We try not to eat out a lot to save money.

Last weekend we carefully made a list, wrote out a rough draft of a menu for the week and went shopping. I gathered up some recipes and cooked all day last Sunday.

We're both 9-5ers. So something quick and easy in the morning and ingredients for fulfilling dinners at night was the goal.

I made chickpea hummus, a mushroom and leek frittata and peanut butter granola bars.

The hummus we snack on constantly. The frittata makes for a quick breakfast and the peanut butter granola bars are for breakfast, snacking and dessert.

PEANUT BUTTER GRANOLA BARS

• 1 1/2 cups old fashioned oats
• 2 cups crisp rice cereal
• 1/2 cup toasted almonds
• 1 tablespoon flax seeds
• 1 tablespoon chia seeds
• 1 cup pitted dates (about 7 Medjool dates)
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 3 tablespoons natural, chunky peanut butter
• pinch of cinnamon
• pinch of sea salt
• dark chocolate

Toast

1 1/2 cups oats 

at 350 for 10 - 15 minutes. let cool completely.

Chop and blend

1 cup of Medjool dates 

add a little water to help it blend until you get a semi-smooth consistency.. like a paste

In a bowl add

3 tablespoons of chunky peanut butter

1 tablespoon of honey

1 tablespoon of chia seeds

1 tablespoon of flax seeds
1/2 cups toasted almonds

healthy pinch of salt

pinch of cinnamon

date paste

Mix together. 

It helps if you heat the honey and peanut butter in the microwave, oven or stovetop a bit.

Combine toasted oats and 

2 cups crisp rice cereal

Combine everything. It gets messy so just prepare to get your hands dirty. It's fun. 

Melt some dark chocolate in a double boiler and drizzle over the top.

Press in a baking sheet with plastic underneath and on top. 

I lay down a long sheet of plastic wrap on the counter and cut it. Then I do another long sheet and overlap them slightly, creating one large sheet. 

Put that on the bottom and add your granola mixture. Really make sure you press them tightly together. The tighter the better, I always say.

I only had a 9x13 pan free at the time so I used that and just filled it half way. I didn't want super thin bars. Make do with what you have. Press them overnight, then cut to size.

These bar should be refrigerated. 

I had the oats, chia seeds, flax seeds and peanut butter already. The almonds, cereal and chocolate cost me under $10. I got 12 bars out of this recipe and I still have all the ingredients to make two more batches. You do the math. I hate math.

I made them, I know what's in them, they're cheaper than store-bought and they're delicious.

You can also find this recipe from Sprouted Kitchen

HAPPY FRIDAY!

I just need to breathe for a minute

It was one of those purchases I wasn't used to making. 

We had a little money saved and just moved into the home we live in now. We wanted to fill the house with some plants to make up for the extra space and also because I love a house full of plants.

It was an expensive plant.. A rubber plant. 

I read they're hard to kill. They just need to be drenched, let it dry completely and drench again. Easy enough. They need a good amount of sunlight. Our house has plenty of that. It was the perfect plant. I felt like it was worth the money because of it's longevity and because it was beautiful.

I don't quit understand why Hank decided to do this. This potted plant is extremely heavy. The pot itself is heavy but the plant is like a baby tree..

It's deep. I planted the rubber plant deep into the soil. I watched over it for the last two months. Every few days I saw a new leaf appear. It was a happy plant.

I got dog food right after work today. I was in a great mood. It's taco night.. It took me a minute but I finally planned out how to buy groceries and cook for the week where I make one trip to the grocery store and that's it. Dog food? No problem! 

I got home. Brought the trash inside the garage. We've been getting a discount on our trash bill because we produce one bag of trash per week. We recycle everything.

So, I brought the trash in and went into the house through the garage.

The dogs were so happy to see me and I them. We went into my bedroom where I rolled around the floor with them. They gave me hugs and kisses and I gave them right back. I got them dog food..

I took off my clothes. The first thing I do when I get home is take off all my clothes and get into my pajamas. Even at 5pm.... Because I'm home.

So, I took off my clothes. I put on my pajamas. As I'm pulling my last leg through my pants, Hank prances over and drops a small branch from my rubber plant at my feet.

He sat up straight and smiled. He was proud. He brought me a gift!!!

A gift of death.

What the shit? Oh my god! Why? How? When???

I walked into the living room and there it was.

Ripped to pieces and spread out all over the house like confetti.

I just stood there with my jaw to the floor.

Why would anyone do this? This couldn't be from my children! They would never! And if so, who?

 If you have dogs and one of them eats your shorts, when you discover and figure out who did it, it's obvious. The sad puppy face comes out and it cowers into a corner.

Hank. Hank did it. 

Hank goes on walks. He goes on hikes. We throw the ball in the backyard. Hank sleeps in the bed and lays on the couch. Hank is fed everyday. Hank takes a shower with me. Hank is almost three years old. So I don't understand.

I haven't had a good cry in a long time and when I saw this tears came rushing to my angry, squinted eyes. 

Why Hank?

Why..?

Also, rubber plants are poisonous to dogs. 

So cross your fingers.

Free write Friday

It's Friday. My head hurts. I need to drink more water. When I worked in kitchens I drank a ton of water. I was always sweating my life away but I liked the balance. I was always dewy. Now I'm dehydrated and dry. I need to fix this.

Working in the office is funny. It will never be like The Office, but there are many times where I wished my sister or fiance could see the people I deal with sometimes. 

This one woman I work with is a little odd to talk to. She talks in a way to where it's like she's telling you a secret. She ends her sentences always widening her eyes and looking behind her as if she's making sure no one else can hear. Her comments are always passive aggressive about the office we work in. When she's done talking she stares at me oddly, like she's surprised or flabbergasted, waiting for a response, all while bobbing her head. I'm the type of person where if I don't feel that connection with someone, I don't open up that easily. I wouldn't say I'm rude, but I would say I cannot fake nice like maybe others can. It's hard for me to think of things to say if I'm not interested. I'm more of an observer and shut my mouth before I speak type.

The other day she did her normal routine where she walked up to my desk, looking like she just saw a ghost and complained about how much static was in her hair. I've noticed the same problem myself but I know that the office is dry and we deal with papers all day. I thought about getting a little humidifier to put on my desk. 

Problem solving.

As I write this, she just came up to my desk and asked me if I'm as bored as she is...
Not at the moment...

As she was talking about how dry everything is the phone started to ring at my desk. One of my main jobs is to answer the phone and transfer calls to the legal secretaries and attorneys. She kept talking and the phone kept ringing. I just smiled and nodded while slowing picking up the phone, giving her every sign, hint and opportunity to see I needed to answer the call coming in because it is my job. As I answered the phone, she continued to talk, this time in a whisper, as if that would allow me to hear her and also hear the person on the other line. She whispered how her lips were so dry that they were starting to crack and bleed. That is when I slowly started to spin my chair in the other direction and pretend I was using the computer and talking on the phone to an important client.. Which I was.

I'm getting really tan. Mainly my face and arms. I need to even out the rest of my body.

It's weird how Fridays work in a 9-5 environment. It's the complete opposite from what I'm used to. Fridays in the restaurant industry means you're about to get killed. It means you wear your lucky bandanna, hardly any makeup because it's just going to sweat off, you're going to work for 6-7 hours straight with no bathroom break, drink 4 quarts of water during your shift and 8 quarts of beer after your shift.

In the 9-5 world, Fridays are the equivalent to the restaurant industry's Monday. It's dead. Not everyone shows up for work and a lot of people leave early because they don't want to start on any new projects. There is less traffic going to work but a lot of traffic getting off work.

I have to say I enjoy my weekends now. And holidays off too?!? It's weird but I like it.

On a girly note..

I looked at pictures from a few months ago with my hair down. It looked like I stuck my finger in a socket and then put makeup on. It's funny because clearly I thought in the picture that day that I probably looked alright. Now that I have to fix my hair everyday, I learned how to actually fix my hair. I use a round brush a lot and bobby pins almost everyday. I know because I have to be aware of my appearance that it has helped me look better and overall has made me feel better about myself. That confidence overflows into other areas within myself. If I feel better about myself, I am happier and not worrying if I look good for my fiance. If I feel better about myself, chances are I'm in a good mood. I feel more courageous and results in me doing more than I did before.

I talk about this because everybody wants to feel good inside and out. 

I've done a complete 180. I used to wear my hair up, go for the black t-shirt, jeans, black vans, black hoodie and call it a day. There's nothing wrong with dressing this way and I still do. But, this is how I used to dress all the time because I didn't know how else to dress. Feels good to wear a light blue, sleeveless blouse with jean shorts and brown sandals with my hair down and wavy and a California tan.

I often think about how everyone is doing back home. I always think about what time it is in Georgia. Right now it's 3:28pm there and I know my old kitchen crew is getting ready for a busy Friday night. I think about them a lot. They were my family. I miss them.

So this is free writing Friday. I just write and don't think about the grammar or purpose.

Happy Friday.