The give and take in my world of cooking

I think it's obvious that when you change jobs, move or stop doing the same thing you've been doing for the last several years, your priorities change.

When you do all three, you might feel a little lost.

When we first moved to northern California I had a difficult time adjusting to not being home in time to cook or eat dinner with my love. I grew up cooking dinner with my stepmom and eating dinner with the entire family at the table. As soon as I met my fiance, I tried winning him over with home-cooked meals to show my affection for him much like I've grown up seeing.

It's a southern thing and Korean culture to cook for your husband. Cooking for him has always been important to me.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I no longer work 12 hours a day and am home now to cook and eat dinner with my man. 

It's awesome!

It's no surprise that California is one of the most expensive states to live in in the U.S. 

So when we first moved here and a loaf of bread cost nearly $3 and organic milk is $6.50, my priorities had to change.

I was like a child that didn't get my way. When we first went into the store with insane prices and hardly any organic options, I panicked.

What are we going to eat?!?!

I wanted to make mushroom ragout like we did at my old job.. 

I need red wine, herbs, five different types of mushrooms, garlic, heavy cream, I need to make beef stock.. Where are the beef bones??? 

 I stood there horrified.. I started going around picking up any vegetable that said organic and putting it in my basket with my bottom lip so far out you'd trip over it.

My world revolved around cooking and eating. It was all I could think about. What am I going to make, what are we going to eat this weekend, what do I need to buy to make this or that?

I'd spend $50 on ingredients for one meal. 

It got expensive because I was cooking like I was on Iron Chef.

When we got home from the store I realized I couldn't make big, elaborate dinners like before, every single night. We can't afford to. Spending $20 to make a sauce for one or two nights isn't smart. Not for us anyway. 

The slow realization came over me and it actually made me feel a sense of relief. 

There is more to life than cooking and eating. There is more to life than food. 

Yes, we need it to survive. It brings people together, it varies from culture to culture and is a beautiful thing we share with our loved ones. Trust me, I know.

But it consumed my mind, ego and bank account.

When my family back home comes to town or it's Thanksgiving at our house, of course I'm going to cook my heart out. I love it.

Making simple food is still pleasing to both me and my fiance. No one is at a loss, if anything, more of a financial and healthy gain. 

It's a give and take.

Of course, it's easier for us because we are a party of two. I know that one day this will no longer apply and we'll have to buy a little more but the principle remains the same. 

Don't get so worked up when you have to change your routine and a lifestyle you've become accustomed to. It's okay.

It took me weeks to figure out which grocery store I could go to for certain things. Thankfully I found a CSA that delivers in my neighborhood. It costs the same price as a grocery store, it's local, organic and is delivered right to my doorstep.

Farm Fresh To You

This week we got:

red leaf lettuce

asparagus

tokyo turnips

king richard leeks

kiwis

a bag of valencia oranges

a bag of fuji apples

enough for 4 people in this box.

Cost: $33

What I like about this is that it's seasonal, local and organic. Seasonal fruits and vegetables vary region-to-region. So far, this works for us. We get a delivery every week and can add or take off whatever we want. You can even add honey, coffee, trail mix, apple juice and eggs!

The price varies on size and you can have it delivered every week, every other, every three weeks or every four weeks.

I still go to the store for dog food, milk, coffee, etc. The point of a CSA isn't to cut out the trip to the store but to give us seasonal and organic options we can't exactly find in our local grocery stores.

With this I try and stretch as many simple meals as I can.. I always have things like quinoa, brown rice, lentils,  english muffins, dry beans, frozen vegetables and homemade vegetable stock I make with an on-going collection of vegetable scraps from cooking. Simmer vegetable stock for 30 minutes.

Not being so focused on what I'm going to cook every night frees up my time. I took on yoga two months ago and am so glad I did. It has changed my body physically and mentally. 

I used to spend an hour in the store and hours cooking in my kitchen. Before I knew it my night was half gone. Although I know my fiance appreciated the elaborate meals, he appreciates me spending time with him more and so do I. 

It's been a lot of give and take and a fun learning experience for us both.

I'm at that fun point in my adult life where shit is getting real. I'm 27, I'm planning a wedding, working a new job I'm not used to, living somewhere new, our rent is higher than I ever imagined, I have baby fever and am homesick.

I'm thankful for my fiance every single second of every single day. 

He is everything to me.

This blog keeps me going and I like sharing my experiences with you. 

Whoever you are.

I'm so happy it's Friday. 

I can taste the beer now...

Happy Friday everyone!

I want to live in a world of grey.

It's 11:36am on a Tuesday. I've been at work for three hours now. In one hour I take my lunch break and work for three more hours. When 4 o'clock hits, I go home. That's it. I just go home.

When I woke up this morning I checked my nails to make sure the paint remained smooth like it was when I painted them the night before. This, by the way, is not normal. However,  my morning  routine remains the same in any situation.. Three cups of coffee, an over-easy egg on a bagel, english muffin or steel-cut oats. I let my three fury children out, then beg for them to come back inside and then I sit and reflect.

At the point where I decide to start getting ready, I mean taking the physical and cosmetic steps of getting ready for work, is where everything has changed for me. And that's really just the beginning.

The past seven years of my adult life were spent in restaurant kitchens. I was the girl with tattoos, hair hidden away in a bandanna, burn marks up and down her arms and a band-aid somewhere on my body.. I wasn't careless.. I actually cared a lot. I think I was just willing to take a risk in order to get the job done. 

If I knew I needed to put up food at that very moment that the entire range was filled with hot pans on full blast, I was willing to reach into the ripping blue and orange fire in order to retrieve the pan I needed in order to plate the food.

I worked all nights, weekends and holidays. Starting out at 21 years old, this schedule didn't matter to me. I was proud and willing to work any shift to prove myself. I missed out on many holidays, brunches, dinners and time with my family. But when you're young and you just worked a 12 hour shift with your friends in unimaginable conditions, all you want to do is have a beer (or three), go to sleep and do it again.

Being 27 years old now, I decided to leave my kitchen manager/charcutier job in Georgia and move across the country to beautiful California with the love of my life. 

Why?

Why not?! We decided to let go of fear and possible regrets and just do it. We drove for three days across the country with our three dogs in a Toyota Camry and arrived at a house we rented "sight-unseen" with nothing but an air mattress and suitcase. Thankfully the house was as beautiful in person as it looked in pictures. All of our belongings were shipped on a freight and arrived over a month later, half broken and half missing. I got a job as a butcher in Oakland and my love got a job welding in San Francisco. In our first month in California, we both quit our jobs.

We strive for a better life. We moved to California to better ourselves. 

We decided as a team to stay forever skyward.

We both didn't agree with our bosses. We both were tired. We both felt defeated. 

We aren't the type of people to quit. We stick it out! However, this time I reminded myself why we moved and how we got to where we are. Hard work. Sacrifice. Blood. Sweat. Tears. 

To move across the country to better ourselves, only to work for people who have their own ideas of self-respect and worth that aren't of ours, is just not worth it.

My love quit first, and a few weeks later I did too. At the time, it was terrifying. We were scared of so many unknowns. To think that we may have failed or made the wrong decision was tough. But there are some things I learned about myself and him.. When you're completely humbled and brought to your knees, you have two choices. You can give up and ask for someone to take the reigns for you and get you out of the mess you're in. Or you can shake it off, remember who you are and what you take personal pride in, and control your own destiny.

For me, I was at a point where I wanted to see, support and love the one family I have with me here. My fiance.

 Working over 60 hours a week for a jerk wasn't helping me. I took a week and really thought about what was important to me. Yes, my career has always been important to me. 

But as I took time to reflect on myself and the family I have, pursuing a life as a chef just didn't seem to fit. The hours would keep us on opposite schedules. Do I want to move to an unknown place and never see my family? No. Do I want to keep working for asshole chefs that think because I'm the only female in the kitchen, they can treat me like I'm their mom or girlfriend? 

Go away.

Do I want to be home in time to cook for my family, play with my dogs, clean my house, pick up on old hobbies, start new ones, make new friends and keep the ones I have? 

YES!

I decided not to get a cooking job. WHAT?!?! You heard me! 

Is this forever??? 

Nothing is forever. This is for right now. 

I used to live in the past and the future. That way of living is dead to me. I live in the present.

Most people have been encouraging but there are some that gave me a hard time. The people that gave me a hard time are stuck in black and white. 

I want to live in a world of grey.

Today I am happy. I woke up with painted nails and they make me feel pretty. My hair isn't in a tight bun on top of my head and I'm not wearing my grease-stained jeans with my t-shirts that smell like french fries. I'm wearing a blouse and am slowly learning to walk in heels and that alone feels painfully awesome.

When 4 o'clock hits, I leave to go home. It's that simple.  The sun is still out and I do yoga in my backyard while my dogs roll in the grass. My lover comes home and we eat a meal together that I cooked. I cook for a loving and kind man. That makes me smile.

I'll never stop cooking or writing recipes or dream about food. Food is my passion and it always will be. But you see, the best part about this big decision I made is that I'm learning I am a very passionate person about many different things. 

Not just one.